Monday, October 18, 2010

When all good things come to an end.

These past few minutes have been a mind numbing wake up call. Out of the blue I couldn't help but confront the very thing on my mind: I don't want to do theatre anymore. I've said it before, many times in fact, but for once it's different. Those past moments were followed by failed attempts at getting parts in a show or not having the skills to impress in drama class. However, I have a strange feeling that after taking my second voice class session, that the desire I once had has flown away, maybe never to return.

Now the big question is, what do I do? Hundreds, if not thousands of college students change their major more than once, but now that I'm a Senior, it's kind of hard to change course. I fought so hard for a dream that just doesn't exist anymore. For years I've pondered what to do with myself, and yet nothing comes to mind. I really thought this was it, but now I'm certain it's not at all. If there wasn't so much debt tied to being educated, I would be more than happy to change things the way they are, but I can't now. It's so frustrating, and I can't just pick up graduate school on a whim, either. It's a very serious thing.

What's ironic is that I came here thinking that I'd have better opportunities to expand, and now that I do, it's made me realize the inevitable. At one point I even thought that I was running away from my problems, but somehow I've embraced them even more here, making sense of my true self. Would I still jump at the chance to do a film role or join the cast of a television series? Of course, but you see, I no longer have the desire to keep training for years and years, for the work ahead doesn't interest me anymore. I've become content with who I am, and I wouldn't change it for the better. Theatre is all about change, developing a new sense of self that I'm just not cut out for. So there you have it. I'll still continue with my classes here with just as much passion to work harder, but unless something new comes along while I'm doing it, that will probably be the last of it all.

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